


baby, there’s no other superstar

by kaspbrakziers



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Fame, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Drug Use, Post-Canon, Social Media, a lot less depressing than the tags make it seem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:01:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25667113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaspbrakziers/pseuds/kaspbrakziers
Summary: Following on from his short-lived standup tour Trashmouth and extended hiatus, Richie Tozier is making a comeback with his first-ever special from Netflix. The special, titled Trashmouth Comes Clean, is described as “a stripped back insight into the man behind the dick jokes (that still includes some dick jokes)”.[a post-canon social media fix it fic]
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 45
Kudos: 457





	baby, there’s no other superstar

**Author's Note:**

> It's back! This is a re-upload of a fic that I uploaded and swiftly deleted. Thank you to all the lovely folks on twitter for being the best cheerleaders and making me rethink the murder of this fic.

**Netflix Orders Richie Tozier Comedy Special**

By Thad Beaumont

Following on from his short-lived standup tour _Trashmouth_ and extended hiatus, Richie Tozier is making a comeback with his first-ever special from Netflix. The special, titled _Trashmouth Comes Clean_ , is described as “a stripped back insight into the man behind the dick jokes (that still includes some dick jokes)”.

In addition to the special, Tozier has also been announced as a producer on writer-slash-director Bill Denbrough’s [Untitled 2018 feature film](-) from Warner Bros.

–

**amy** @tozierisms

richie finally getting the comedy special he deserves

 **sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

[@tozierisms](-) every time he makes a joke about his girlfriend he’s actually talking about me

 **amy** @tozierisms

[@sarahsrichie](-) honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if you were. have we ever even seen her?

 **sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

[@tozierisms](-) the real cryptid is richie tozier’s girlfriend

 **Dayna** @jurgensdayna

Another straight white misogynist gets a Netflix special and I’m supposed to be excited?

–

[From: haystack Thursday 11:04 AM]

 **Congrats on the special Richie!** [https://variety.com/2016/tv/news/richie-tozier-netflix-special](-)

[From: ms scarlet Thursday 11:05 AM]

**we r so proud of u**

[From: big bill Thursday 11:05 AM]

**You Deserve It**

[Thursday 11:07 AM]

Thanks. Love u guys

Will get you tix if I can.. But ur like millionaires??? So??? Shell out the cash u capitalist scum bags

[From: haystack Thursday 11:08 AM]

**We’ll be there**

[From: ms scarlet Thursday 11:09 AM]

**if anyone is a scum bag its u trashmouth xoxo**

[From: big bill Thursday 11:10 AM]

**What Bev Said**

[Thursday 11:12 AM]

Its true but u shouldnt say it

[From: spaghetti Thursday 11:18 AM]

**PEOPLE ARE PAYING TO SEE YOU MAKE BAD JOKES FOR AN HOUR THAT’S SAD**

[Thursday 11:18 AM]

Really?? Cause ur mom likes my jokes so much that they make her panties wet

[From: spaghetti Thursday 11:18 AM]

**FIRSTLY WHO SAYS PANTIES ITS 2016**

**SECONDLY FUCK YOU**

[From: haystack Thursday 11:20 AM]

**You two know this is the group chat, right?**

[From: ms scarlet Thursday 11:20 AM]

**u think they care?**

[From: mikey 3:07 AM]

**Good Job Richie from Fiji! – Mike**

–

Search history

Today Sunday, 13 November 2016

should i get a divorce? - Google Search

Unhappily Married: Should I get a divorce? - Yahoo Answers

10 Signs Your Marriage Is Over - Buzzfeed

how to divorce? - Google Search

How To File For Divorce (With Pictures) - wikiHow

how to divorce someone without them getting angry? – Google Search

can you divorce someone without telling them? - Google Search

–

From: Travelocity

To: Edward Kaspbrak

Subject: Travel Confirmation JFK to LAX

**Travel Confirmation**

Edward,

Thank you for booking your flight with Travelocity.

You can view your trip details by logging onto [Travelocity.com](./)

If any issues arise with your reservation before or during your trip, please contact us immediately.

**Flights**

1 One Way Ticket - Tue, November 15, 2016

 **Depart:** 3:45 am New York, JFK John F. Kennedy International Airport

 **Arrive:** 6:03 am Los Angeles, LAX Los Angeles International Airport

–

[8:31 AM]

**HI I AM AT DOOR**

**RICHIE**

**RICHIE**

**????????**

[From: Richie Tozier 8:34 AM]

G. od

Jst woke up

Give me sex

Sec

[8:34 AM]

**OKAY**

**RICHIE**

**RICHIE**

**RICHIE**

[From: Richie Tozier 8:37 AM]

Im coming!!

Wait

Ur at my door??

[8:37 AM]

**LEFT MYRA WENT ON PLANE AT YOUR DOOR**

**OPEN UP**

[From: Richie Tozier 8:42 AM]

K

–

You have three new messages -BEEP-

“Hey there Rich, it’s Steve. Just want to try and coordinate the press junket with you. Netflix is thinking we set it at your place. You know, since we’re giving fans the ‘real’ you or whatever. If you could give me a call back ASAP that would be-“

Message deleted. Next message.

“Steve again. Really need you to call me. The team wants this to happen before the end of next week so we-“

Message deleted. Next message.

“Richie. Answer the phone. Seriously. If you want this to work out and not end up like the last shitshow you need to cooperate. Not everyone gets a second chance like this and I don’t need you screwing it-“

Message deleted.

–

shopping

☐ detergent

☐ bleach

☐ air freshener

☐ swiffer

☐ wet wipes

☐ sponges

☐ gloves

☐ fruit

☐ vegetables

☐ multi vitamins

☐ nutribullet

–

**TMZ EXCLUSIVE: Richie Tozier Detoxes With Anonymous Hunk**

11/19/16

Richie Tozier wasn’t joking about getting clean!

The aging comedian was spotted Friday at an organic grocer with a mystery DILF (we’re working on it ladies!).

We’re guessing Richie was grabbing something healthier than the drugs that were found in his possession earlier this year.

The two shopped around before finally settling at a local café where things seemed noticeably tense. Richie and Healthy Hottie argued for most of the afternoon until leaving. Yikes!

–

From: Hank & Cristobal Associates

To: Edward Kaspbrak

Subject: RE: NEED DIVORCE

Dear Mr. Kaspbrak,

Hank & Cristobal Associates would like to take this opportunity to thank you for inquiring into our services. We would be pleased to off you our legal counsel should you choose us to represent you.

Our firm has been proudly representing members of the Los Angeles community since 2010. With a high-quality service standard and competitive rates, Hank & Cristobal Associates has solidified itself as one of the top law firms in the city.

To discuss what we can do for you, please call within the next two weeks to arrange a meeting.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact us at our office.

Yours truly,

Hank & Cristobal

–

[Saturday 2:37 PM]

Hey healthy hottie

[From: spaghetti Sunday 2:39 PM]

**IM GOING TO SUE THEM I SWEAR TO GOD**

[Sunday 2:39 PM]

Maybe dont wear ur booty shirts in public if u dont to be snapped in them

[From: spaghetti Sunday 2:40 PM]

**YOU KNOW THEYRE RUNNING SHORTS SO DONT EVEN JOKE**

**IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN EVERYTIME WE GO OUT?????**

[Sunday 2:41 PM]

Probably. I did have a public brkdown

But all publicity is good publicity Eds. Maybe u can get a sponsorship from nike. Get paid to show off ur ass

[From: spaghetti Sunday 2:41 PM]

**THEY WERE RUNNING SHORTS DICKSHIT**

**RUNNING**

**SHORTS**

[Sunday 2:42 PM]

Watever u say DILF

[From: spaghetti Sunday 2:42 PM]

**SIRI GOOGLE DILF**

–

**sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

has anyone ided the guy richie was with yet?

 **kristen** @xrichiextozierx

[@sarahsrichie](-) apparently He’s some guy from his childhood

 **amy** @tozierisms

[@sarahsrichie](-) [@xrichiextozierx](-) his name is Eddie Kaspbrak and I’m in love with him <https://www.instagram.com/eddiekaspbrak>

sarah is a richie tozier *lut @sarahsrichie

@tozerisms @xrichiextozierx oh NO he’s cute

 **Us Weekly** @usweekly

Who is Richie Tozier’s New Best Friend Eddie Kaspbrak? [https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/richie-tozier-eddie-kaspbrak-new-best-friend](-)

–

“Hey Bev.”

_“Hey Richie.”_

“How are things going with you and Adonis?”

_“They’re… really amazing. Having someone who actually asks how I’m feeling or how my day was has been a nice adjustment.”_

“Ah, the perfect man.”

_“Shut up. How’s Eddie?”_

“Oh just fine, what with the press breathing down his fucking neck and everyone on the internet thinking his business is their goddamn business.”

_“He’ll be okay.”_

“It’s just been a lot to fucking deal with. Shit, why didn’t Pennywise just turn into some paparazzi? That would have been a whole lot scarier than the constant spider imagery. I mean, get some original ideas dick.”

_“Richie, you need to calm down.”_

“I can’t, I don’t know how. He’s only been here for like a week and I don’t blame him if he bolts. I would if I could. I mean, I guess I tried to but that didn’t fucking work did it?”

_“I’m happy it didn’t.”_

“God, I wish there was a handbook on how to navigate this shit. I mean, I didn’t ask to be so talented and famous that is completely implodes my own life and the lives of everyone around me.”

_“At least you’re still humble.”_

“I try.”

_“Listen, it will work out. He’s tough and so are you. And he cares about you enough to stick around.”_

“Ugh, when did you get so optimistic, Marsh?”

_“Someone has to be when there are sadsacks like you ringing me at four in the morning.”_

“Sorry.”

_“Don’t be, I’ve been meaning to call. My therapist says having a support network around me is important so…”_

“Therapy. Wow, you really are the wisest of us all.”

_“You should try it some time.”_

“Maybe I will.”

_“Now go to sleep.”_

“No promises. Night, Carrot Top.”

_“Goodnight, Trashmouth.”_

–

Search history

Today Monday, 21 November 2016

therapists near me - Google Search

cheap therapists near me - Google Search

Top 10 Best Sliding Scale Therapy in Los Angeles, CA - Yelp

Top 10 Best LGBT Therapist in Lost Angeles, CA - Yelp

Individual Therapy - Pride Therapy LA

Contact Us - Pride Therapy LA

–

[Tuesday 9:01 AM]

Ur at hot yoga?

[From: spaghetti Sunday 9:02 AM]

**IM NOT ANSWERING THAT**

[Tuesday 9:03 AM]

Unhot regular yoga then

Just maybe stay there for the whole day

[From: spaghetti Tuesday 9:04 AM]

**YOU WANT ME TO DO YOGA ALL DAY???**

[Tuesday 9:04 AM]

Maybe?

[From: spaghetti Tuesday 9:05 AM]

**WHAT???**

[Tuesday 9:06 AM]

Interviews happening at home

[From: spaghetti Tuesday 9:08 AM]

**ILL BE BACK LATE WITH FOOD**

–

You have one new message. One saved message. -BEEP-

“Edward please come back home. You forgot your medicine and your inhaler and we both know what happens when you don’t have them. I’m worried about you, I love you. I know you don’t… but just let me take care of you. All I want to do is take care of you. You know you can’t take care of yourself. Please, please, please. I’ll come to you. I know where you are, I’ve seen you on the magazines. How could you do this to yourself? Eddie please let me—”

Message deleted.

Message saved today at 5:07am.

“Eds, Eddie, Eddie Spaghettiii. You’re so cute, do you know you’re so cute? The cutest little spaghetti on the planet. You’re like those bow tie spaghettis. You know them? They’re so, so cute like you. Anyways what was I… Oh yeah! Eds, I gotta tell you something. Gotta tell you something super duper secret so shhh don’t tell. Don’t tell anyone. You can’t or else they’ll know. They’ll know and I… shh shh…” -clunk-

Message saved.

–

**InStyle** @InStyle

Congrats to our Man of Style 2016 [@TrashmouthTozier!](-)

–

From: Beverly Marsh

To: Steve Covall

CC: Richard Tozier

Subject: Man of Style

Dear Steve,

Richie has asked me to reach out to you regarding the Man of Style award ceremony. I understand you already have a stylist in mind but I am here to inform you that Richie has requested my services instead. As Richie is a long time friend of mine and a new client of the company, the fees will be waived for my work on this occasion. Attached is the contract that Richie and myself have already signed.

If you would like to discuss things further, feel free to call my assistant any time.

Regards,

Beverly Marsh

–

[From: spaghetti Sunday 12:27 PM]

**QUESTION**

**ARE PEOPLE BLIND**

[From: ms scarlet Sunday 12:30 PM]

**he’ll have style when I dress him**

[From: big bill Sunday 12:31 PM]

**Didn’t He Wear A Stained Shirt To Your Last Party?**

[Sunday 12:31 PM]

Its called fashion look it up

[From: spaghetti Sunday 12:32 AM]

**I SAW YOU IN TRACKSUIT PANTS AT A RED CARPET**

[Sunday 12:32 PM]

Just bc I dont need to buy prada sandals to be stylish doesnt mean u need to hate

[From: spaghetti Sunday 12:33 AM]

**LOAFERS**

**AND THEY WERE GUCCI**

[From: mikey Sunday 12:35 AM]

**I think he dresses well – Mike**

[From: haystack Sunday 12:37 AM]

**I won that award a couple of years back. We’ll have matching trophies!**

[Sunday 12:38 PM]

Nvrmind maybe I shouldnt have won

–

**kristen** @xrichiextozierx

If Richie wears a Hawaiian shirt to the Man of Style thing I’m gonna lose it

 **amy** @tozierisms

man…. of… style…

 **sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

love how we’re all in confusion about the man of style award

 **amy** @tozierisms

[@sarahsrichie](-) i love him but like… he’s friends with bill denbrough AND ben hanscom?

 **sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

[@tozierisms](-) LITERALLY

–

**Instylemagazine**

Richie Tozier is the last person many, including Tozier, expected to be called a “style icon.” “I don’t know how to dress myself and that isn’t, like, an endearing thing at all. I have a friend that is a million times more presentable than I am and honestly he should be at this shoot with me. But I think the reason why I am here is because I’m finally being myself and I haven’t been myself really ever. I’m still figuring it out.” More from Tozier on learning to be true to himself and others at the link in bio. |Photographed by [@deliahcastleman](-); Styled by [@beverlymarsh](-); Story by [@lisey_landon](-)

Liked by [@williamdenbrough](-) and 190,512 others

 **beverlymarsh** ☑ He cleans up well

 **benjaminhanscom** ☑ Looking good Tozier

 **chee.toziers** DADDY

–

**Richie Tozier on Going Back to Being Honest**

By Bobbi Anderson

 **Bobbi Anderson:** You’ve had an eventful year. First, your _Trashmouth_ tour and now your Netflix special. What would you say differentiates the two?

 **Richie Tozier:** That’s an understatement. [laughs] I think there’s a difference in that in one I’m a phoney hack and in the other I’m still a hack but a lot less phoney. I hope. I mean, people can think whatever they want.

 **BS:** We’ve been told that the Richie in _Trashmouth Comes Cleans_ is a more authentic version of you. Would you agree?

 **RT:** I don’t even know what the means. [laughs] I don’t even know who the authentic me is and I’m fucking fourty. Maybe that’s what mid-life crises are for. At the end of the day though I think it is, a more real me, if that matters.

 **BS:** What makes you think that?

 **RT:** Well, the jokes about my fake girlfriend and all the non-existent vaginas in my life are gone. [laughs] So now I’m able to talk about some stuff that I haven’t been able to talk about before like growing up in the shittiest small town in America and all my childhood friends becoming weirdly successful. It’s not something I ever thought about before. But I went back there [to Derry] and it brought it all back up again. Worst weekend of my life but they say comedy is tragedy plus time plus a lot of drinking. It’s all for the special! [laughs]

 **BS:** The friends you’re talking about, they include such big names as Beverly Marsh, Ben Hanscom, and Bill Denbrough. Are they part of the special in any way?

 **RT:** Yeah. We’re filming it in a couple of weeks and they’ll hopefully be there unless they’re too busy being hot and successful elsewhere, which would be understandable.

 **BS:** Absolutely understandable. Bill recently announced his upcoming feature, which you’re on the production team of.

 **RT:** Right! It’s fucking nuts, man. Like a couple of months back I didn’t even remember the guy and now we’re collaborating on this big thing. It should be good.

 **BS:** So, would you say that the trip back home and the reconnecting with your childhood inspired the special at all?

 **RT:** Oh, for sure. Before that it was kind of like part of me was missing, which is super dramatic to say but it’s the truth so I’ll say it. It inspired a lot of things in my life, not just the special. Like, I go to therapy now which I was too much of a pussy to do before. And I started eating food with actual nutritional value which my body is still adjusting to. But the people from back there are what inspire me the most. I think I’d be dead in ditch without them.

 **BS:** You’ve recently become quite outspoken about your mental health . [Richie had an onstage nervous breakdown during his one of his _Trashmouth_ shows and was hospitalised earlier in the year for an overdose.] Does that crossover into _Trashmouth Comes Clean_?

 **RT:** Yeah, it does. I used to think that me not talking about how fucked my brain is would somehow unfuck my brain but surprise! That isn’t how it works, fuckhead! A friend of mine got, uh, seriously hurt and it made me re-evaluate why I was choosing to hurt myself. I mean, I knew why, but I didn’t know why-why. As my therapist says, repression isn’t cool or healthy. Which is not a direct quote but you get the idea.

 **BS:** Repression seems to be a major theme of the special.

 **RT:** I don’t know if I even planned that, but yeah. My memories, my childhood, and my sexuality. Cannot wait to lose half my audience.

–

**sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

UM DID RICHIE JUST COME OUT???

 **amy** @tozierisms

we stan an LGBT icon! i’m so happy for him

**Retweeted by Out Magazine**

**Richie Tozier** @TrashmouthTozier

Do I need to start writing jokes about fucking Dads now?

 **Beverly Marsh** @BeverlyMarsh

Love you [@TrashmouthTozier](-)

 **Bill Denbrough** @WilliamDenbrough

Anything you say about [@TrashmouthTozier](-) you can say to me instead

 **Richie Tozier** @TrashmouthTozier

[@WilliamDenbrough](-) [@BeverlyMarsh](-) Aw you guys are going to make me shed the last two tears left in my crusty ducts

–

[Friday 7:24 PM]

Pls dont look at ur phone. Need to talk to u

[From: spaghetti Friday 7:25 PM]

**DID SOMEONE DIE???**

[Friday 7:25 PM]

No

Worse

[From: spaghetti Friday 7:26 PM]

**ARE YOU OKAY**

**RICHIE**

**RICHIE I WONT LOOK AT ANYTHING JUST TELL ME WHATS GOING ON**

[Friday 7:27 PM]

Cant until u get home

[From: spaghetti Friday 7:27 PM]

**YOURE KINDA FREAKING ME OUT DUDE**

**RICHIE???**

**RICH???????**

**OKAY IM COMING HOME**

–

“What time is it where you are?”

_“It’s just about to hit eight in the morning.”_

“You’re not tired?”

_“I’m exhausted. But it’s good exhaustion. I’d rather be jetlagged than sleep deprived in Derry.”_

“Hmm.”

_“What’s up, man?”_

“Did you read the article?”

_“Which article?”_

“The Richie article, obviously. What other article is there? Is there one I don’t know about?”

_“No, no I know the one. Yes, I read it.”_

“Why didn’t he tell us first?”

_“Maybe it was easier this way.”_

“Easier to tell millions of people before the people who have known him since forever? I call bullshit. Bullshit! He’s such a fucking coward, I can’t even— he knows I left my wife! He knows I came here for him! He knows that! He knows that, right?”

_“Have you told him?”_

“He knows.”

_“But have you told him?”_

“I don’t need to tell him. He’s such a fucking idiot. I’m such a fucking idiot! I just walked into all this thinking it would fucking solve everything. But I still freak out because I forget I don’t need my meds! They don’t even do shit! But they feel like they do because everyone keeps telling me they do. How am I supposed to tell him anything if I can’t think straight without my meds? Mike, I think I need my meds.”

_“Please tell him. You don’t need your meds. Just please, tell him.”_

“How?”

_“I don’t know.”_

“Fuck.”

–

Search history

Today Friday, 2 December 2016

am i gay test - Google Search

Am I Gay Quiz – Quiz.com

Am I Gay Quiz | Results – Quiz.com

how to tell if you’re in love with your friend in a gay way - Google Search

What To Do If You’re A Man In Love With Another Man - Lifehacker

anxiety attack symptoms - Google Search

Anxiety Attacks - WebMD

Heart Attacks - WebMD

help - Google Search

24/7 Anonymous Online Help - Blue Bird Free Online Counseling

–

You have entered the chat. Please fill out your details below whilst we connect you with one of our trained representatives.

 **Name** [Eddie]

 **Age** [40]

 **Pronouns** [He/Him]

 **Have you ever used our service before?** [No]

 **Have you ever been treated for your mental health in the past?** [No]

 **What is most concerning you right now?** [I think I’m gay and in love with my best friend and I don’t know how to tell him because we’ve known each other our whole lives and also I was married to a woman who was basically my Mom who made me think I was sick all the time when I wasn’t and I still sometimes think I’m sick even when I know I’m not and it scares me to think I’m sick and also I love my best friend]

Xander has entered the chat.

 **Xander:** Hello Eddie. What brings you to Blue Bird tonight?

Eddie: I think I’m sick

 **Xander:** Why is that, Eddie?

Eddie: I think I’m in love

 **Xander:** And being in love means you’re sick?

Eddie: Yes. Maybe. To him maybe

 **Xander:** You think someone will think you’re sick?

Eddie: I don’t know I don’t know

 **Xander:** Are you in a safe place right now?

Eddie: Yes

 **Xander:** Do you want to try doing something breathing?

Eddie: No I want to not be f******* scared

 **Xander:** Okay.

 **Xander:** Let’s try talking about why you’re scared

Eddie: Because she made me scared

 **Xander:** Your Mom?

Eddie: Yes and now I don’t know how to not be scared

Eddie: She made me sick and scared

 **Xander:** That isn’t your fault

Eddie: It is. I should have taken my meds

 **Xander:** I haven’t heard from you in a while. Are you still there?

 **Xander:** Sorry we couldn’t reconnect. As I haven’t heard from you in some time, I’m going to close the chat. If you ever need to reach out again, please do not hesitate to open this chat.

Eddie has left the chat.

Xander has left the chat.

–

**Richie Tozier’s Stand-Up Special: Live Recording**

Thur – 12/15/16

Doors - 07:30PM / Show - 8:00PM

  * General Admission: $240



Comedian Richie Tozier is recording his debut Netflix comedy special December 21st! Best known for his appearances on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live”, Comedy Central’s “Drunk History”, and “Comedy Central Stand-Up Presents.” Prepare yourself for two hours of self-deprecating humour, stories about secretly masturbating to Playgirl, and probably some swearing. A lot of swearing.

–

[From: Ben Hancsom Saturday 7:02 AM]

**Hi Eddie. Spoke to Mike**

**Checking in to see if you’re okay?**

[Saturday 7:03 AM]

NOT REALLY BUT BETTER THAN I WAS THANKS BEN

[From: Ben Hancsom Saturday 7:03 AM]

**Okay that’s good. Do you want to talk?**

[Saturday 7:03 AM]

NO

YES

[From: Ben Hancsom Saturday 7:04 AM]

**I’m free for brunch if you want to join me?**

[Saturday 7:04 AM]

OKAY

IM VEGAN FOR HEALTH REASONS AND I CANT HAVE CASHEWS OR GLUTEN OR ANYTHING WITH TOO MUCH SUGAR SO WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE THAT WORKS AROUND THAT

[From: Ben Hancsom Saturday 7:05 AM]

**I can do that**

[Saturday 7:28 AM]

ACTUALLY WE CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT

[From: Ben Hancsom Saturday 7:31 AM]

**Are you sure?**

[Saturday 7:32 AM]

YES

–

**TMZ EXCLUSIVE: Ben Hancsome Gets Cozy With Richie Tozier’s Boytoy Eddie Kaspbrak**

12/11/16

Trouble in rainbow paradise?

Architect and major babe Ben Hancsome was spotted out at brunch with twink Eddie Kaspbrak.

Just a month ago Ben announced his engagement to fashion designer and feisty redhead, Beverly Marsh. But could this latest development mean there’s going to be a catfight at the alter?

Sources say the two men have been getting closer since Richie Tozier came out of the closet. Coincidence? We think not. We just hope poor old Richie wasn’t too committed!

–

You have one new message. One saved message. -BEEP-

“Eddie, I’m so sorry about this whole mess. If I knew the paps were going to be there, I would have taken us somewhere more private. Beverly wants to know if you’d like to come over for dinner sometime this week, Richie too. Let me know. Again, I’m really sorry.”

Message saved.

–

8.5k Dogs | 100 miles | near Los Angeles, California

Bruno – Adult — Pug

(1 mile away)

Shortstack – Adult — Maltese Mix

(1 mile away)

Marmalade – Senior — Hound

(1 mile away)

Jigglypuff – Adult — Shih Tzu

(1 mile away)

Goldilocks – Senior — Labrador Retriever

(1 mile away)

Georgie – Adult — Pomeranian

(1 mile away)

–

“Soooo… I might have adopted a dog.”

_“Might have? You either did or you didn’t, Richie.”_

“Okay so I did. But do we really want PETA knocking on our door, accusing us of animal cruelty for abandoning a helpless puppy to the system that threw him aside to begin with?

_“I hate you so much.”_

“As long as you love Splooge, I don’t care.”

_“What… the fuck. You did not name our dog after a bodily fluid.”_

“Oh, so he’s our dog now?”

_“You are such a dick. Please tell me he’s at least vaccinated.”_

“No, actually. I specifically chose the shelter’s one unvaccinated dog just so I could see your mouth froth up when he bites you.”

_“That is so not funny. Rabies is not a joke!”_

“I’m not joking, who said I was joking? I really do want to see your eyes glow red.”

_“Asshole… Hey, can we need to discuss the Ben thing?”_

“What’s there to discuss? It’s just tabloid shit, happens all the time.”

_“Not to me it doesn’t!”_

“Well it does now. Welcome to Hollywood, babe!”

_“Jesus christ Richie can you not do a bit for two fucking seconds? These things keep happening and I can’t keep pretending they’re not happening. I get that you’re used to all this fucking Twinkletown shit but I literally just got here! You have got to warn me about things like this before they happen so I can prepare for them happening!”_

“I didn’t think it was such a big deal.”

_“Yeah, because you don’t think do you? You just talk and talk and talk and you never take the time to shut the fuck up.”_

“Is there a reason you’re being more an uptight than usual? Or is it really just because the media thinks you’re fucking Ben? ‘Cause honestly, you should take it as a compliment.”

_“Oh, fuck you Richie. Fuck. You.”_

“Eddie?”

“Eds?”

–

Richie 40

2 miles away

not rainn wilson

YOU MATCHED WITH DAVE

Hey

**Hey**

How r u?

**Super. Guy Ive been in love with since I was a kid is straight and hates me**

Sorry man that tough. How bigs ur dick tho?

YOU MATCHED WITH AARON

anyone ever tell you that you look just like that comedian?

**No never**

YOU MATCHED WITH WILLY

Do you want to suck my cock?

Hi do you want to suck my cock?

Do you want to suck my cock?

Fuck you

–

Search history

Today Tuesday, 13 December 2016

green smoothie recipe - Google Search

Green Smoothies Recipe - Food Network

YouTube - Youtube

Richie Tozier Forgot That He Was Gay - YouTube

Best of Richie Tozier - YouTube

Richie Trashmouth Tozier Stand Up (FUNNY) - YouTube

Richie Tozier Laughing Compliation - YouTube

richie tozier being hot for 12 minutes - YouTube

Inbox (edwardkaspbrak@mail.com) - Mail.com

Hank & Cristobal Associates Payment Options - Mail.com

relaxation techniques - Google

Six relaxation techniques to reduce stress - WebMD

why don’t relaxation techniques work? - Google

Why Relaxation Techniques Don’t Always Work For Trauma Victims - Well Minded

best trauma psychologist la - Google Search

best child abuse psychologist la - Google Search

Dr Baynes | Child Abuse Specialist – LA Baynes

Dr Baynes | Schedule – LA Baynes

–

This is Edward Kaspbrak’s voicemail. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Or send a text. Or just email me so I don’t miss it if it’s important. -BEEP-

Hi asshole, it’s Richie. Can you stop being a little bitch and come home? I’m sorry you overacted about the dumbest fucking thing. You’re the one who showed up on my door so-

Message deleted. Rerecord message.

Hey, Richie here. Look, I’m sorry okay? Is that what you want me to say? Because I am. I don’t know what I thought you expected but I thought you knew what it was like here. Do you think I’m happy? Do you think I like being hounded all the goddamn time? It’s hard but we just have to suck it up or-

Message deleted. Rerecord message.

Eds, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I mean it, and if I sound like I don’t I do. I’m sorry about what I said, I’m sorry about how I’ve been handling all this, and I’m sorry I… I’m sorry I didn’t come out to you like I should have. I was just a fucking coward, like I’ve always been. We’re not kids anymore, and I shouldn’t have acted like one. Fuck. When did that happen, buddy? Anyways, I’m going to be at that fashion thing later so if you want to be my plus one, they’ve got your name on a list.

–

**InStyle** @InStyle

See all the looks from tonight’s #InStyleAwards2016 as they happen @ <https://www.instagram.com/instylemagazine/>

**Richie Tozier** @TrashmouthTozier

Wish I knew that clothes can feel okay AND look okay before I got this ugly

–

[From: spaghetti Thursday 8:12 PM]

**HEY IM HERE WHERE ARE YOU**

[Thursday 8:13 PM]

Shit im in hair. Trying to hide bald spot. Bev will get you

Happy ur here

[From: spaghetti Thursday 8:14 PM]

**I FORGIVE YOU BY THE WAY**

[Thursday 8:14 PM]

Figured

[From: spaghetti Thursday 8:15 PM]

**MAYBE I JUST CAME TO MINGLE WITH ACTUAL FAMOUS PEOPLE AND EAT FOOD AND WEAR NICE CLOTHES**

[Thursday 8:17 PM]

Im gonna ask Steve to take you off the list

[From: spaghetti Thursday 8:18 PM]

**YEAH RIGHT ASSHOLE**

[Thursday 8:19 PM]

Mrs. K is my date now

[From: spaghetti Thursday 8:19 PM]

**THIS IS A DATE???**

[Thursday 8:22 PM]

Do u want it to be a date? This can be a date if u want it to be. Or not. Fine with both

Haha just kidding that was a joke this isnt a date why would it be??? Cant believe u feel for that haha

Eds?

[From: spaghetti Thursday 8:22 PM]

**SINCE YOU ASKED ME ON THIS DATE YOURE PAYING FOR THE UBER WHEN WE LEAVE**

[Thursday 8:24 PM]

Deal

–

**Postmates #107**

Richie T.

4 items ∙ Pickup @ 11:55

MEALS

1 x 40 McNuggets & 2 L Fries

DRINKS

1 x Large Premium Roast Coffee

1 x Medium Non-Fat Cappuccino

SIDES

1 x Side Salad

–

**The Most Stylish Couples at the InStyle Style Awards**

By Sue Snell

**Beverly Marsh & Ben Hanscom**

Fashion icon Beverly Marsh stunned beside her architect fiancée Ben Hanscom. Marsh and Hanscom were all smiles as they walked the carpet.

**Carole Danner & Kay McCall**

The women were visions in all black.

**Richie Tozier & Eddie Kaspbrak**

Along with his Man of Style Award, Richie Tozier won our pick for best dressed couple with his close friend Eddie Kaspbrak.

“I’m having a good time,” Kaspbrak told us. “I’m a risk analyst so I don’t usually see a lot of red carpets. Unless that carpet is overpriced and I have to warn a company about renting it because they’re 60 million in debt and they shouldn’t be hosting a winter gala in the first place.”

–

**Man of Style Richie Tozier Acceptance Speech**

InStyle – 1.52K views – 22 hours ago

–

[Wednesday 10:28 AM]

Taking splooge for a walk. Text if you need me

[From: spaghetti Wednesday 10:29 AM]

**OKAY I HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK**

[Wednesday 10:29 AM]

Cool k

[From: spaghetti Wednesday 10:30 AM]

**ITS IMPORTANT**

[Wednesday 10:31 AM]

I just left house. Can come back???

[From: spaghetti Wednesday 10:32 AM]

**NO WALKING A DOG AT A REGULAR TIME EVERY DAY IS IMPORTANT FOR HIS BEHAVIORAL DEVELOPMENT DONT YOU FUCKING DARE COME BACK**

–

**PRIVATE PLAYLIST** | eds

Created by Richie Tozier - 24 songs, 1 hr 43 min

I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) — Whitney Houston

Julia — Boy George

Eddie My Love — The Chordettes

Time After Time — Cyndi Lauper

Lovesong — The Cure

I Think We’re Alone Now — Tommy Jones & The Shondells

Space Age Love Song — A Flock Of Seagulls

I Melt With You — Modern English

–

shopping

☐ kale

☐ quinoa

☐ pineapple juice

☐ hand sanitizer

☐ dog food

☐ tea tree oil

☐ condoms

–

**sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

[@tozierisms](-) did u get tickets to the special?

 **amy** @tozierisms

[@sarahsrichie](-) I did! third row, baby!!

 **sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

[@tozierisms](-) omg i’m on my way now. so excited

–

_“Rich? You there?”_

“Yeah, shit, reception sucks back here. Everyone make it to their seats okay? I told Steve to set out reserved signs for you guys but that he is deadset on being an asshole at every chance he gets so I wasn’t sure if—”

_“We’re s-sitting there now. Bev, Ben, Mikey, Me and Eddie, of course.”_

“Okay cool, cool, cool so you’re going to be staring at me all night? That’s great, totally not intimidating at all. No, this is exactly what I wanted.”

_“It’s okay, R-Richie.”_

_“You got this buddy!”_

_“Just try to be funny.”_

_“We didn’t pay that fucking sitter a hundred bucks to watch Splooge so you could dick this up.”_

“Wow, so much love and encouragement. Guess I’ll just go die now. Who needs the show?”

“Ten minutes, Richie!”

_“I’ll l-let you g-get to it but break a l-leg, man.”_

_“We love you!”_

“Love you too.”

–

**Richie Tozier Kisses Dude at Comedy Special Taping**

LA Comic Bro – 4.5M views – 22 hours ago

–

**trashmouthtozier**

R + E [@eddiekaspbrak](-)

Liked by [@benjaminhanscom](-) and 2,381,190 others

 **mikethetravelman** I passed that bridge for over 20 years and didn’t realise

–

**amy** @tozierisms

I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM <https://pic.twitter.com/6t834de92f>

**kristen** @xrichiextozierx

edchie? tozibrak? reddie?

 **sarah is a richie tozier *lut** @sarahsrichie

IM STILL SCREAMING SDKJAKSJAAS

 **PRIDE** @pride_site

We are feeling very emotional about @TrashmouthTozier and Eddie tonight

 **People** @people

Richie Tozier Seen Making Out With Boyfriend Following Comedy Special Taping [https://people.com/celebrity/richie-tozier-make-out-comedy-taping](-)

–

[Saturday 10:43 AM]

Hey Sexy u stretching ur glutes for me

[From: spaghetti Saturday 10:44 AM]

**WHAT**

[Saturday 10:46 AM]

Im trying something

Unless ur not into it which is fine!!!! 

[From: spaghetti Saturday 10:46 AM]

**OKAY**

**JUST GOT OFF BICYCLE**

**AM WIPING MY SWEAT OFF THE SEAT WINKY FACE**

[Saturday 10:47 AM]

Eds

The caps are kind of a boner killer

[From: spaghetti Saturday 10:52 AM]

**DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN THEM OFF???**

[Saturday 10:53 AM]

Nvmrmind keep going

U could never make this dick go down

[From: spaghetti Saturday 10:54 AM]

**WHAT ARE YOU WEARING????**

[Saturday 10:54 AM]

A shirt

[From: spaghetti Saturday 10:54 AM]

**IS IT SEXY SHIRT???**

[Saturday 10:55 AM]

Yeah it’s the sexiest shirt just for u

[From: spaghetti Saturday 10:56 AM]

**WOULD BE SEXIER IF I TOOK IT OFF WINKY FACE**

[Saturday 10:57 AM]

Ur so dirty Eds

[From: spaghetti Saturday 10:59 AM]

**YEAH IM REALLY DIRTY**

**THINK I NEED TO GO HAVE SHOWER**

**WILL BE HOME SOON**

–

**Vanity Fair: Eddie Kaspbrak Out In Hollywood**

By Dana Bright

Eddie Kaspbrak is not used to the spotlight. Presented to the world through tabloids and tweets, Kaspbrak was a figure of mystery and speculation for many. It isn’t until now that the man given more nicknames than a third grader is finally being seen — and treated — as a person.

Entering the new home he shares with comedian and partner Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier, the space feels like the perfect balance between the two competing tastes. The home is tidy, meticulously so, and as Kaspbrak tours the reporters from room to room he seems to perk up with pride at the cleanliness (“You know this place had asbestos like, five years ago? The realtor didn’t tell us that but I called a specialist to check and I was right. Asshole”) whilst scoffing at the kitschy décor that he clearly didn’t have a say in (“He’s got the taste of my grandpa and he’s dead. It makes me want to kill him and then whoever designed this shit and then whoever supplied the materials to whoever designed this shit”).

Along the walls are photographs trailing what seems to be a lifetime of memories. There’s Kaspbrak as a young boy — far more freckle faced than he is now but his expressive eyes and upshot eyebrows give him away — next to Tozier sporting Coke bottle glasses and a wide smile, the two cuddled up with their lovingly named dog Splooge, and a shot of an old wooden bridge with a carefully carved ‘R + E’ on its side (just to name a few).

Kaspbrak admits that these pictures aren’t an accurate representation of their life, but of the one they are trying to build together now. “We nearly died when we were thirteen,” says Kaspbrak. “Our town was so awful, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a true crime special dedicated to it yet cause it was like the deepest cesspool of the universe where everything terrible went to live and die. And I’m not exaggerating, Derry has one the highest rates of child murders and hate crimes in America. The fact I’m even here right now is statistically crazy. The only way we can try to go is up.”

It’s a sunny Saturday morning. As Kaspbrak enters the kitchen, the sunlight glints off polished white granite. He wears a tailored pair of pale blue trousers with a loose-fitting white shirt; casual yet classy. There is a bowl of stacked fruit (all organic, he notes) sitting by a tall bottle of electrolyte-enhanced water on the counter. A stray packet of pretzels is the only item that breaks the illusion of sterility. Kaspbrak talks about how he’s learning to manage his need to control all things, at all times by allowing Tozier to creep into his vigilantly structured surroundings. “He’s a dick about most things but not this. I tell him what I need and he lets me have it — whether that’s space or time or whatever. Some days I still worry that I’m losing a grip on things but, like, I don’t think that will ever fully go away. I’m just learning to live with that shit.”

Since Tozier’s comedy special “ _Trashmouth Comes Clean_ ” released to rave reviews, Kaspbrak says that the initial fear he had felt when stepping into ‘La La Fucking La Land’ has shrunken dramatically. “It still kinda fucks me up that Richie’s famous, that 90% of my friends somehow managed to be whatever it was they dreamt of being when they were kids. I’m kinda the outsider in that sense but with coming out here to live and work full time and also just… coming out, I haven’t felt like bursting into a fucking panic attack every three seconds.”

Both Kaspbrak and Tozier have begun working closely with mental health organisations and LGBT youth services. He mentions that volunteering is one of the best parts of his week, along with taking nursing classes at the local community centre.

“I wish I had all this when I was, like, twelve and miserable and terrified of AIDS and my Mom. But I’m so thankful I have it now.” Kaspbrak shakes his head briefly, laughing. "God, sometimes I can’t believe this is how things turned out and that I’m happy and healthy and alive. Most of the time I can’t.”

–

**eddiekaspbrak**

The best boy [@splooge_the_pomeranian](-) @trashmouthtozier

Liked by [@mikethetravelman](-) and 34 others

 **trashmouthtozier** ☑ Aw thanks Eds

 **eddiekaspbrak** [@trashmouthtozier](-) You’re the worst boy

 **trashmouthtozier** ☑ @[eddiekaspbrak](-) You love me

 **eddiekaspbrak** [@trashmouthtozier](-) Maybe so but you’re still the woooorst

 **trashmouthtozier** ☑ @[eddiekaspbrak](-) Love you too

–

[From: stan the man Tuesday 6:04 AM]

**What have I missed?**

**Author's Note:**

> This was a really fun little project that I wrote in the early stages of itch 2 fever (which I am somehow still in). My creativity has been a bit dead in the water for a while now but seeing how much people cared for this has made me feel truly inspired. So thank you to everyone who has ever read my tiny firstborn! I hope to pump out something new one of these days.
> 
> You can find me [@kaspbrakziers](https://twitter.com/kaspbrakziers) on twitter to see just how deep in clown town I still am.


End file.
